Harry Potter and the Pointless Debauched Fanfic
by laydee-jiraya
Summary: Dumbledore is going to join the Foreign Legion, leaving Harry in charge of the school. Sounds like destructive party time!


"Look what I can do," Harry grinned, redviolet sparkles shooting from his wand and raining on Malfoy. Suddenly Malfoy burst into flames.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! OH THE PAIN!" Malfoy shouted, running around on fire.

"Hahahahaha," Harry laughed.

"Potter. Detention." Snape said as he walked past, without bothering to look at Harry at all. It was a relatively common phrase. "That's 50 points from Gryffindor." He did not bother to put Draco out.

"IT BURNS!"

"Well, obviously," Hermione chided with a blank look on her face. She went back to reading their assigned book, "Jerry Otter and the Absolutely Normal Muggle School for Muggles." "This book is so amazing," Hermione said, "what if things like this really happened? I mean, they can't do magic, they have to do their own laundry, they die if you make their heads explode---"

"That's nonsense, Hermione," Ron said. "Do you reckon we should put the fire out?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Harry looked from Ron to Hermione to the burning Draco Malfoy.

"Nah." Suddenly the Draco burst to ashes and blew away. The gargoyle statue at the front of the library came to life, its eyes glowing green as Malfoy's soul shot out of the horcrux and into a newly conjured body.

"Stupid Potter! You'll pay for this! I just conjured _that_ body last week!"

"You don't say," he said, grinning at Malfoy from behind black sunglasses. He raised his wand again.

"Harry, this is stupid," Hermione said, "I mean, killing Malfoy is all fine and good, but he's got horcruxes stashed all over the place, there's really no point."

"I love you," Ron said, grinning at Malfoy. Malfoy looked disgusted and walked off. "That's what works best, he hates that," Ron said.

"Yes, except now Colin thinks you're gay and is stalking you," Hermione said, pulling Colin Creevy from behind her armchair, a camera in his hands and looking alarmed.

"Ron, why won't you go out with me?" Colin demanded. "First Harry breaks my heart like a thousand shattering . . . hearts . . . and now you!"

"You know," Harry said, "Ron and I aren't gay, but I know someone who is."

"Really?" Colin asked hopefully. "Who?"

"Draco Malfoy. And he's a relatively major character in this book."

"Okay!" Colin took off after Malfoy. Ron and Hermione laughed. Oh, that Colin Creevy.

Malfoy was just heading up to potions when he thought he heard a noise behind him. Slowly he turned around. No one was there but a suit of armor. He walked again. He heard it again. He turned around, his wand raised and lit with lumos to light up the shadowier corners. Nobody was there. He needed to get to potions; it was getting late. He licked his lips and turned back around, bumping into somebody six inches shorter than him.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Boy you're jumpy! Hi! I'm Colin Creevy!" Colin announced loudly. A camera flash let up, blinding Malfoy. Malfoy took off running.

"Ah, geroffme!" he demanded as Colin continued following.

"But don't you love me!" Colin demanded.

"No!"

"Oh, coy are you?" he asked with a wolfish grin.

A few moments later, Malfoy returned to the library, Colin Creevy permanently affixed to him in a death-griplike hug.

"Potter, you get him off me, or I'll---" Suddenly the librarian walked past, shuffling slowly. She glanced at them through her cokebottle thick glasses and then said, "Oh my!"

"That's it!" she shouted, hitting Colin and (mostly) Draco with her handbag. "No public displays of affection in my library! I'd have thought better of you, Draco!" Wack, wack.

"But he's assaulting me! I'm being sexually harassed!"

"That's okay, we can continue outside," Colin grinned happily. Draco sobbed as Colin pulled him along by his hand. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were enjoying this spectacle immensely.

"And you too!" the librarian shouted with a skeptical look, pointing behind the Restricted Section shelves. Crabbe and Goyle walked out looking scandalized.

"Man, is anybody in Slytherin NOT gay?" Ron demanded.

"We weren't doing anything, stupid Weasel," Crabbe said, "we were just looking up dark spells."

"Oh, you've got your shirt buttoned wrong Crabbe," Goyle said, "let me help you with that."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared.

"Get off me Goyle!" Crabbe demanded. Harry and Ron shook their heads sadly. Hermione said, "Get a room!"

Next, it was time for DADA. Harry, convinced that he was God and thus indestructible, sat in the back smoking a bong and grinning blankly, his eyes hidden behind round black glasses. Ron and Hermione made out. The three of them were convinced that, after Voldemort's recent embarrassing defeat by Harry (he'd caused Voldemort's underwear to slowly get tighter until he'd imploded in on himself) there was no need for them to study DADA. They knew all.

Flitwick was halfway through their charms session when Dumbledore came walking across the room naked (except for his hat) and announcing that he had joined the foreign legion, and was leaving Harry in charge of the school. Harry said, "Holla," and he and Ron hit fists. This would be the largest and most destructive house party in Hogwarts history, including the time that Voldemort had taken over and begun breading and roasting the staff and half the students in a large rotisserie cookout.


End file.
